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Oregon Senior Referral Agency Association Raising Industry Standards since 2004

3 Nightmare stories of elders misusing their phones in assisted living

3 Nightmare stories of elders misusing their phones in assisted living

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elderly woman using phone

Monthly rent in senior living doesn’t usually include phone service. Residents decide if they want a phone and the extra expense. If so, they’re free to choose a regular landline, cell phone, or both.  

But some older adults use their phone inappropriately.

Then families struggle about what to do. It’s a difficult conversation. And it’s not always easy to decide what actions to take.

What does it mean to misuse a phone?

#1 Elderly mom calls too often

Laura’s mother lives in assisted living.

Now she calls whenever she feels staff aren’t helping her. Sometimes as much as 10 times a day. If staff don’t respond to call-bell within a minute, she thinks no one will respond. So, she calls Laura.

Mom calls day and night saying she’s in trouble, that she’s dying, and blaming Laura for never visiting. 

#2 Dad calls friends and family, falsely accuses son

Jeff’s dad also lives in assisted living. He accuses Jeff of being bossy and controlling his life. Dad spends his day calling relatives and friends, telling them that Jeff is stealing all his money.

#3 Dad lost thousands falling for marketing and scam calls

Bob’s dad has spent thousands on TV shopping. He’s also fallen for marketing scam calls. He gives out personal info to callers. Bob has closed all the credit card accounts and limited his dad’s access to money. His dad is angry and accuses Bob of controlling his life.

#4 Mom calls 911 too many times

Jan’s mom has dementia which has exacerbated her negative personality. She calls and leaves hurtful, nasty messages for Jan. Mom accuses Jan and her caregivers of terrible behavior. She’s even called 911 several times.

What can you do when elders misuse their phones?

So, what options do families have? What is loving, respectful AND in everyone’s best interest?

Having a phone almost seems like a “right.” And, most of us hesitate taking away a parent’s freedom. Or be accused of isolating them.

Most of us don’t want to destroy our relationship with a loved one.

Here’s a list of ideas that other families have found helpful. Each situation is different so there’s no one answer.

Checklist of things to try:

  • Check with your parent or loved one’s health care provider. Ask for a mental health evaluation to screen for depression, anxiety, and dementia. There may be underlying issues and medications that can help.
  • Follow up on your parent’s complaints and verify call bell response times. Maybe staff really are taking a long time to respond. Visit the community at various times of day and evening. Use the call bell and time how long it takes someone to answer.
  • Ask for a printout of response times. Check how often your parent is using the call bell. See if any patterns show up.
  • Ask for a care-plan meeting with staff. Discuss expectations with your loved one. Reassure her you’re all trying your best to meet her needs. Reassure her that staff will call you in the event of a real emergency. Define a real emergency.
  • Set boundaries. Make a behavioral plan. Limit the number of times per day he can call. Limit the availability of the phone to a few hours per day. Ask staff to help by giving your loved one the phone only during certain hours.
  • Remind your loved one to call the staff for help; you can’t come over. Let her know when your next visit will be. Then keep your promise.
  • Make a calendar so your loved one knows when you’re coming. Ask them to write down all their complaints and issues. When you visit discuss each item. Find resolutions if you can.
  • Reassure your loved one that you care. When with them, slow down and take time to listen. What are they afraid of? Abandonment? Loss of control?
  • Protect yourself from false accusations. Keep careful records of expenses, health documentation, and professional recommendations.
  • Include your siblings and other family stakeholders in discussions. Try to get “on the same page”. If there’s discord about how to handle a loved one’s care and finances, get help. Enlist services of a family counselor or mediator.
  • Consider deleting contacts from your loved one’s phone or speed-dial. “Misplace” their address book (or at least the phone numbers in it).
  • Disable the phone. Tell them it must be broken. Remove the phone and tell them it’s in the repair shop.
  • If you’re getting verbally abusive phone calls, don’t answer your phone. Save voice messages. Record conversations. Add these to your documentation.
  • Talk to Adult Protective Services (APS). Be transparent and explain the situation. Then, in the event someone believes your parent’s false stories, you have a third-party to help.
  • If your loved one is calling 911 inappropriately, it’s time to take the phone away. If you don’t want to be the “bad guy”, ask if an officer can come talk to them first.
  • Some cell phones have “child-proof” features that can block incoming and outgoing numbers. This is especially helpful if your loved one is susceptible to scam and marketing calls.
  • Take care of yourself. It’s normal to feel frustrated and angry when you’re falsely accused. Especially when you’re trying your best to care for a loved one. Seek counseling. Consider strategies such as keeping a journal, meditation, and exercise.

In summary

Hopefully, you aren’t facing any issues with your elderly loved one misusing their telephone. But if you are, or will in the future, we hope these ideas help.

Comment below and share your experience.

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