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What to do after the holiday visit with aging parents

January 2, 2020 By Sande George 1 Comment

Did you visit your aging parents during the holidays? You may have noticed some changes that worry you. Especially if you live a distance away and don’t visit regularly. Begin forming a plan now to avoid crisis-driven decisions in the future.

Perhaps you noticed your parent isn’t keeping up with household chores. Mail is stacking up on the kitchen table. Maybe mom’s lost weight, seems moody, or is wobbly on her feet. You may wonder why your dad isn’t having coffee with his cronies – is he getting isolated?

So, you talk to your siblings. They aren’t concerned and the situation doesn’t seem urgent. You don’t want to be an alarmist but… you still worry.

Should you do nothing and wait until the next holiday visit to re-assess? No. Unless you like making critical decisions in a crisis.

Here are 5 things to do now after the holiday visit:

Assess the gaps you’re worried about. (bills, upkeep, meals, isolation, driving)

Begin a conversation with your parent.

“According to recently conducted research, 70 percent of family conversations about aging issues don't occur until they are prompted by a health crisis or other emergency. This can increase the likelihood of family disputes.”

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Begin gathering copies of Legal & Financial Documents.

You’ll need them at some point anyway. Do it now when you’re not rushed and under pressure.

Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care
Durable Power of Attorney for Finances
Advanced Directives (end of life wishes)
POLST (Do Not Intubate, Do Not Resuscitate Form)
The Will or Trust (or at least know where it’s located and/or who their attorney is)
Military Discharge papers (if they’re a Veteran or spouse of a deceased Veteran)

Start a file or notebook and begin gathering information on resources in your or your parent’s area:

Home Care agencies
Independent Retirement & Assisted Living communities
Meal or Food Delivery services
Bill paying services
Transportation services

Contact a local referral agent.

Get help finding resources in your area.
Learn about the different senior housing options if needed in the future.
Discuss the financial pros and cons of different options.

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Finally

Your parents will continue getting older. You never know if or when an emergency health crisis may occur. Be prepared by following these steps. Avoid making rushed or uninformed decisions.

What to do after the holiday visit with aging parents

How to find nearby senior housing the easy way

3 Nightmare stories of elders misusing their phones in assisted living

How to find nearby senior housing the easy way

November 4, 2019 By Sande George Leave a Comment

Finding nearby senior housing for a loved one can be a daunting task. Local senior living advisors help make your search easy.

And yes, there is a difference between local advisors and national listing companies. Local advisors make your job easy, give personalized service, and shield you from sales pitch overwhelm.

Do you have aging parents or elderly loved ones? If so, you have some tough decision-making ahead. Decisions about senior housing, care, and finances. It can be a daunting task.

Not only that, but emotions can run high. Family members often feel guilt, anger, stress, and fear when making decisions for their loved one.

They wonder what type of care they should look for? What facilities are nearby? What will it cost? And, how can I find a good place?

The good news is, there’s help. Senior living advisor help you find nearby, local services.

Local advisors are your boots-on-the-ground guides for making smart decisions. They streamline the process of finding nearby senior housing, care, and elder resources. These professionals are also called Elder Care Advisors, Consultants, or Senior Housing Referral Agents.

How do senior advisors help?

Advisors ask the right questions.

Smart decisions are made when the right questions are asked. And advisors ask the right questions. They uncover all the ‘puzzle pieces’ that make up your loved one’s situations:

family involvement,
care needs,
personal preferences,
social disposition,
finances,
and more.

Advsiors give you personalized service.

Advisors are connected. They’ve built relationships with industry professionals, services, and housing and care providers. That means they have expert insider-knowledge about local senior living.

Also, advisors know about government programs, related resources, and other professionals who can help with most every situation.

Advisors give you choices.

After an advisor does a thorough discovery and intake, they’ll provide a list of possible options. Then they’ll review the pros and cons with you. During the consultation they’ll narrow the list to top choices.

This process saves you a lot of time, hassle, and frustration!

Your advisor makes inquiry phone calls on your behalf. They verify vacancies, care level, finances, and preferences match up. Then they set up tours of senior communities.

When working with a local advisor, they’ll often tour with you. That way, they can help you ask the right - and sometimes difficult - questions of providers. They’ll help you look past the glitz and glamour to discover what really matters – a great match for your loved one.

Advisors shield you from pushy sales pitches.

Working with an advisor protects you from getting bombarded with sales calls and emails. Your advisor doesn’t share your contact information until you select an option or say it’s ok.

An ethical senior living advisor won’t promote a specific community either. (Unless your situation is so unique that you have very limited options). They’ll always advocate for what’s best for your loved one.

An advisor gives you a list of referrals but remains neutral. While they help you weigh pros and cons, the decision is ultimately yours and your family’s.

Advisors help you navigate turbulent emotions.

Anxiety, guilt, and anger can rear up when family members are making joint decisions. Sometimes people just can’t seem to agree on what’s right for mom and dad.

An advisor can meet with the group and answer everyone’s questions. In the end, if a consensus can’t be reached or there’s a lot of discord, the advisor can provide referrals to attorney’s, councilors, or mediators.

When should you call an advisor?

Sometimes an elder is in crises and a quick decision must be made. Most advisors can respond in urgent situations but...

...the real value of an advisor’s service is found in their personalized touch as discussed above. When they can take the time to intimately work with you through the process, the greater your peace of mind and confidence in your decision.

So, call an advisor sooner rather than later. Don’t wait for a crisis so everyone has to rush.

Even if you’re just beginning to think about retirement and senior housing, call. They’ll help you start gathering information and give you planning tips for the future.

How to find a local senior housing advisor.

The best way to find an advisor is to ask others for a referral. Ask your friends, doctor's office, attorney, hospital case managers, and local senior centers. Most likely they've worked with senior advisors and can make a recommendation.

However, no matter who gives you a referral, it’s important to check the qualifications and background of a senior advisor. Make sure you verify they're a registered referral agent (in state of Oregon). Click here to find out more about senior advisor and referral agent regulations.

All OSRAA members are registered, licensed, and bonded. Check our directory for an advisor in your area.

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In Summary

The aging journey includes tough decisions. Decisions about where to live, what kind of care, how to pay for it, and more. It can be confusing and stressful. Senior living advisors relieve the overwhelm. You can save time, ease your stress, and make smart decisions.

Have a story tor testimony to share? Be sure to leave a comment.

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3 Nightmare stories of elders misusing their phones in assisted living

October 3, 2019 By Sande George Leave a Comment

Monthly rent in senior living doesn’t usually include phone service. Residents decide if they want a phone and the extra expense. If so, they’re free to choose a regular landline, cell phone, or both.

But some older adults use their phone inappropriately.

Then families struggle about what to do. It’s a difficult conversation. And it’s not always easy to decide what actions to take.

What does it mean to misuse a phone?

#1 Elderly mom calls too often

Laura’s mother lives in assisted living.

Now she calls whenever she feels staff aren’t helping her. Sometimes as much as 10 times a day. If staff don’t respond to call-bell within a minute, she thinks no one will respond. So, she calls Laura.

Mom calls day and night saying she’s in trouble, that she’s dying, and blaming Laura for never visiting.

#2 Dad calls friends and family, falsely accuses son

Jeff’s dad also lives in assisted living. He accuses Jeff of being bossy and controlling his life. Dad spends his day calling relatives and friends, telling them that Jeff is stealing all his money.

#3 Dad lost thousands falling for marketing and scam calls

Bob’s dad has spent thousands on TV shopping. He’s also fallen for marketing scam calls. He gives out personal info to callers. Bob has closed all the credit card accounts and limited his dad’s access to money. His dad is angry and accuses Bob of controlling his life.

#4 Mom calls 911 too many times

Jan’s mom has dementia which has exacerbated her negative personality. She calls and leaves hurtful, nasty messages for Jan. Mom accuses Jan and her caregivers of terrible behavior. She’s even called 911 several times.

What can you do when elders misuse their phones?

So, what options do families have? What is loving, respectful AND in everyone’s best interest?

Having a phone almost seems like a “right.” And, most of us hesitate taking away a parent’s freedom. Or be accused of isolating them.

Most of us don’t want to destroy our relationship with a loved one.

Here’s a list of ideas that other families have found helpful. Each situation is different so there’s no one answer.

Checklist of things to try:

Check with your parent or loved one’s health care provider. Ask for a mental health evaluation to screen for depression, anxiety, and dementia. There may be underlying issues and medications that can help.
Follow up on your parent’s complaints and verify call bell response times. Maybe staff really are taking a long time to respond. Visit the community at various times of day and evening. Use the call bell and time how long it takes someone to answer.
Ask for a printout of response times. Check how often your parent is using the call bell. See if any patterns show up.
Ask for a care-plan meeting with staff. Discuss expectations with your loved one. Reassure her you’re all trying your best to meet her needs. Reassure her that staff will call you in the event of a real emergency. Define a real emergency.
Set boundaries. Make a behavioral plan. Limit the number of times per day he can call. Limit the availability of the phone to a few hours per day. Ask staff to help by giving your loved one the phone only during certain hours.
Remind your loved one to call the staff for help; you can’t come over. Let her know when your next visit will be. Then keep your promise.
Make a calendar so your loved one knows when you’re coming. Ask them to write down all their complaints and issues. When you visit discuss each item. Find resolutions if you can.
Reassure your loved one that you care. When with them, slow down and take time to listen. What are they afraid of? Abandonment? Loss of control?
Protect yourself from false accusations. Keep careful records of expenses, health documentation, and professional recommendations.
Include your siblings and other family stakeholders in discussions. Try to get “on the same page”. If there’s discord about how to handle a loved one’s care and finances, get help. Enlist services of a family counselor or mediator.
Consider deleting contacts from your loved one’s phone or speed-dial. “Misplace” their address book (or at least the phone numbers in it).
Disable the phone. Tell them it must be broken. Remove the phone and tell them it’s in the repair shop.
If you’re getting verbally abusive phone calls, don’t answer your phone. Save voice messages. Record conversations. Add these to your documentation.
Talk to Adult Protective Services (APS). Be transparent and explain the situation. Then, in the event someone believes your parent’s false stories, you have a third-party to help.
If your loved one is calling 911 inappropriately, it’s time to take the phone away. If you don’t want to be the “bad guy”, ask if an officer can come talk to them first.
Some cell phones have “child-proof” features that can block incoming and outgoing numbers. This is especially helpful if your loved one is susceptible to scam and marketing calls.
Take care of yourself. It’s normal to feel frustrated and angry when you’re falsely accused. Especially when you’re trying your best to care for a loved one. Seek counseling. Consider strategies such as keeping a journal, meditation, and exercise.

In summary

Hopefully, you aren’t facing any issues with your elderly loved one misusing their telephone. But if you are, or will in the future, we hope these ideas help.

Comment below and share your experience.

What to do after the holiday visit with aging parents

Here are 5 things to do now after the holiday visit: